Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
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Oh yeah that’s it
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
kids play hide and seek like
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo