Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
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(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one