CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
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Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Warm pools make me nervous.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs