[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
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*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.