Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
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ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
The prophecy is fulfilled
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Jupiter
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Perfect
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too