Guys, I found it.
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My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?