ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
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i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.