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i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
The internet is full of many things
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
titanic
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.