[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 馃幎 I’m too sexy for my shirt 馃幎 Too sexy for my shirt 馃幎
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
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Oh you think I鈥檓 funny? Name three of my jokes.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I鈥檓 not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can鈥檛 see it being him)
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it鈥檇 be a novel. Settle down.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World鈥檚 Greatest Science Teacher mug] 岬検搬祲 岬愥鼎岬椺祾岫準搬祾鈦酷祱食岫︶祪
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
WOMAN: who鈥檚 a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it鈥檚 silly william now.