What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
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*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.