I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
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me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I hate my earbuds.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end