teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
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they should invent a hydrating liquor
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.