Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
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[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
The pasta is now
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
lol
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.