When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
You Might Also Like
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
was Jim off killing horses or…
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂