Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
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EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
wish me luck lads
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.