Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
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I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.