Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
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Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
How to draw a duck
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”