He loved it so much he walked himself up.
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friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.