interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
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Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Yes, but it was never about money
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.