new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
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According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
When ur friends with white people
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Not all heroes wear capes.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I already tried new things thanks.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.