Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
You Might Also Like
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*