My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
You Might Also Like
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Who.
Did.
This?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Always
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.