I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
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Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂