[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
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My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
This can never not be funny 😭😭
NASA has no chill
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.