It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
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Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
God has left this place
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food