Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
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Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
The booster protects against what, now?
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
A game married people play.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]