I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
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Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
They must have gotten it to go.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related