I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
You Might Also Like
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
found my next D&D character name
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.