*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
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Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Word!
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Dead sexy!!
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN