*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
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The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.