If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
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I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email