*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
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[the middle of showering] I need a break
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband