Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
You Might Also Like
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Perfect.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
A man of commitment.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.