i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
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If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.