A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
You Might Also Like
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Monday Lisa
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.