ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
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Don’t be awkward
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Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Holy shit he’s back
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.