I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
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Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Am I having a stroke?
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
SCARY COSTUME
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.