Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
You Might Also Like
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?