Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
You Might Also Like
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
When you’ve simply given up.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.