“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
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I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
oh u like geography? name every lake
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
“I’m helping” 😅
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full