A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
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To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.