Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
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[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I know karate and tons of other words.