Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
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At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
saving face 👀
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.