Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
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Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
only 11 steps left
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.