When I pack too much for a short trip.
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Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
sigh
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.