The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
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Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it