T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
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Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
what does he know…
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
lost dog
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?