I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
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I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing