At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
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She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
When you let grandma cat sit
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
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