[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
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Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.